This is the post I made for my new Instagram account. It was so long I thought it would live here on the blog a little bit better! Enjoy :)
Heyo! Welcome to my style and road to radical self love and acceptance page. I say its a road because I am still very much on the road, actually, gathering the courage to even step onto the road. This road being: not only accepting my body, but loving it unconditionally. What an overwhelming and daunting task! It’s taken 33 years for me to even begin this process, and after a year that damn near killed me, I might as well start somewhere.
I grew up wearing my brothers oversized shirts and shorts, “it was a comfort thing” I always told myself. Now being in my thirties, I am aware that I was subconsciously trying to hide my body and make myself disappear. I felt naked in anything that showed big parts of my body. (*Trigger warning*) I am also now aware that being a child SA (sexual assault) survivor, caused me to go inwards, attempt to keep myself small, and my voice even smaller. I still have crippling negative thoughts about my body, negative self talk, and the thought of sharing a photo of my stomach to anyone other than my partner, feels impossible all the way into my bones. (Like I said, very much still getting on the road!)
Before the traumatic events in my childhood, I was told, and I’ve seen pictures, of me being young, in dresses, short sleeve tank tops, skirts, and clothing that showed my innocent and beautiful body. It has been my mission to get to know and to be that young girl again. For her to meet the me now, and to know that we are actually safe and protected after all. That we don’t need to hide our bodies anymore, and that it is OK to take up space in this world, even on days it feels like it wasn’t made for us.
I will be brutally honest. Being an Indigenous woman in this world, is fucking hard. The resilience I have had to pull out from nowhere to get through a day has been astronomical. But that “nowhere” isn’t really nowhere. I know I get my strength from my family, partner, community, ancestors, and special spirits that surround me and make sure I don’t leave this world on my own accord.
2022 was the worst year of my life. The loss was unmeasurable, the pain unheard of, and a big part of me died along the way. I know I am not the same person I was, we shed parts of ourselves in big life events, and lose parts of ourselves in others. But somehow, it feels as though small paths are leading me to a new version of myself. A new version that knows our time here on earth is such a small part of our journey as a soul. A new version that doesn’t want to hide this body I was given to help me live and breathe here for this time. A new version that wishes to take up space as an indigenous woman, because we have been silenced, abused, overpowered, killed, for simply existing.
I wish to exist louder. So loud that all those in the spirit realm and all of my ancestors will hear me and be proud. And when I’ve existed loudly, proudly, my hope is that that will settle, and the loudness will transform into a softer, more confident whisper. A whisper only I and that young girl will need to hear.
I deserve to take up space. My body is beautiful as it is. I can wear what I want and feel safe and protected. And when I don’t believe these words, the soft whispers will continue to hum.
All of this to say, I plan to share my ever changing style, outfits of the day, how I incorporate my Native culture into my outfits, and my journey on loving my body. I am not sharing to get likes, validation, views or admiration. I wish to be authentic, real, even in my low times, to the best of my ability. Of course, I will never be one to share every single detail on social media, but I’m aware social media can be a highlight reel, and I hope to bring realness to this page as well.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you! I have the same exciting feeling about this that I had when I decided to share my poetry with the world. And do you know where that got me? I wrote and published my first poetry collection! ( follow @walkinbeautypoetry ) LOL! Shoutout to me.
Here we go! Stay for as long as you’d like :)
Tooli
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